Namaste

My horoscopes for the past few days have warned me to "react with kindness", "don't make any accusations", and "immerse yourself in the moment of growth and progress". All of them have been spot on in preparation for this week.

In the past, I have pre-selected the way I would react to certain people or certain situations. My ex, for example. If she attempted to contact me, my mind went to the script labeled "go to hell" and began reciting the dialogue without much thought about if my feelings now corresponded to what I was saying. In general, what was coming out of my mouth never really matched how I felt inside at that moment. It reflected something that happened years ago that I internalized and couldn't communicate until now.

When I started using "namaste" (meaning the divine light in me honors the divine light in you) as my initial internal greeting for people or my reaction to someone's attempt to interact with me, including non-face-to-face communications, I noticed that my pre-selected reactions to people were immediately thrown out the window and I began an organic conversation with that person based on how I really felt in the moment. This is a huge development for me. And because what I'm feeling on the inside is being accurately reflected on the outside, there's no longer any internal confusion for me about where I really stand on certain issues or with certain people. My reaction is now the purest reflection of who I really am.

So I took the advice of a daily horoscope app on my phone, and reacted with kindness when I received another round of emails from my ex this weekend. I didn't fall into that routine of ignoring her completely or responding with "I hate your stinking guts" or "you're dead to me" or "remember that one time you did that one thing and it ruined my entire life and now I'm so bitter about it even after 10 years?" - all of which are versions of the "go to hell" scripts I mentioned earlier. None of which reflect how I feel about her today. The truth is that while I'm not really that fond of how she treated me while we were together, I don't really hate her either. If I had never met her, I would have also never met Michele, Jeannie, Joe or Danielle - 4 of my very best friends in the whole world. And I would have never had the need to come back home to Utah and repair my relationships with my family, namely my sister Amber, and I would have never become close friends with my new family members, Kim & Ryan. Did those relationships come at a very high price for me personally? Sure. It broke me to the core. But I think that even knowing how the relationship with my ex would have ended in advance, I still would have chose to endure it for the simple fact that I would also be blessed with those friendships/family in the end.

I'm not the same person I was then. And I've acknowledged those emotions associated with my relationship with her, and then subsequently let them go. Not bitterly, but gently - giving respect to a significant chunk of my life. So why set myself back all that hard work I have done all these years by choosing to react with pre-selected emotions towards someone that is not relevant to my life now? It is counter-productive to what I'm trying to accomplish. And it's not an accurate reflection of the person I have worked so hard to become.

So, namaste, Holly. I honor the light in you and thank you for what you brought into my life. I acknowledge what our relationship taught me and how it has helped me to become a better person today. And I thank you for what your presence has brought into my life in the form of my friends/family. Because without them, I wouldn't be where I am today. I also acknowledge the choices I have made to change my internal belief system and the decisions I have made to promote my own growth.

And, to all of you friends who have become family and family who have become friends, I thank you for standing by me on this incredible journey. You have been my rock when I needed to be grounded and at the same time my wings when I needed to fly. You reflect the best in me. And I love each of you dearly.

Namaste.

-Mande

#94 - Revisit the places that made you who you are

When I added this to my bucket list, a lot of people read this as an attempt to hold on to my past.  To some extent I guess it is.  And only now, at age 33, am I able to admit that I want to hold on to all of my memories - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I like knowing that I'm developing peace with my past because that is the ultimate Do-Over Life Lesson for me - inner peace.  I was dealt a difficult hand early in my life and to this day it still affects me, so to be able to want to draw meaning from the earliest of memories is quite an accomplishment for me.  I believe by embracing my past, it will open up doors for me in the future.  So that's what this Do-Over Life Lesson is really about, not just holding on to the past, but preparing the way for my future.  

I recently had the opportunity to revisit Bainbridge Island, Washington - my absolute favorite place in the world.  For a point of reference, I lived on Bainbridge Island from 2006-2008 and I would have been 26 when I arrived and left just before my 28th birthday.  It was a blip in my adult life really, where I lived in 4 different states and too many different cities to count, but Bainbridge Island has by far been the most influential place I've live thus far in my life. 

View from Manitou Beach Drive (where I used to live)

I made the decision to move to Bainbridge Island after ending my marriage.  It was a difficult decision, one that I made hastily and based entirely on emotions, but it is a decision that I will never take back.  It was one of the few times in my life that I listened to what my gut was telling me to do.  I surrendered to the Universe and jumped from the ledge arms outstretched, trusting that I would be taken care of.  And man, did the Universe provide the perfect place for me to recover my broken self. 

I love everything about Bainbridge Island - the idyllic location in the Pacific Northwest, the rain, the fog, the rocky beaches full of sand dollars and purple starfish scrambling to beat the low tides, the isolation the island offers coupled with the close proximity to the hustle and bustle of Seattle.  What I love most about Bainbridge Island is that it is the only place that I have lived where I feel like myself.  I don't have to pretend to be anything that I am not and yet the sky is the limit on who I can become.  After ending such a restricting relationship in my life, it was nice to have so many possibilities. 

Riding the ferry into downtown Seattle was both romantic and cumbersome. 
Ferry schedules didn't always match up with my social engagements. 

Everything fell into place for me while living there.  I found a small room for rent on the Island, found a job on my 2nd day there (yes I moved 2 states away without first securing a job - it was part of that leap of faith thing) and I threw myself into recovery mode, not really knowing what that entailed. 





I wrote every single day.  Sometimes all day.  I painted on the weekends and curled up with a good book on the couch listening to the rain drizzling down overhead.  If there was something I wanted to explore, I did it without hesitation.  If I felt like staying in, I did so without guilt.  If I missed the last ferry to the island after a night out with friends, I wandered the pier and watched the sunrise from Pike's Place Market until the morning ferries started running again.  If I needed to sleep 18 hours I would, sometimes without taking off my coat or boots - falling face first into my bed. 



Mt. Rainier view from Bainbridge Island



For me, Bainbridge Island was about doing what I wanted and in doing so I found what I needed. 

Having the opportunity to revisit this Island, my Island, 6 years after leaving, I was quickly reminded of how important this place is to me.  And how important it is for me to go back.  It's time.  

-Mand'e 

Updates to come...I haven't forgotten this!

#10 Graduate From College

Task Started: March 2009

Task Completed: May 2011

From Monday, February 23, 2009

Good News!! Guess who has two thumbs and is starting college on
Monday!? This girl!

After two weeks of scrambling the most random of documents together, it's official: I will be starting school on Monday! I'm so freakin' excited about this whole idea that I can barely even stand it.

I'll be starting at Steven's Henager to get an Associate Degree in Medical Specialties, which is a pre-requisite to become an RN. I've looked into this particular field and have decided that you get the most bang for your buck not to mention the fact that you not only have good pay but you're guaranteed a position wherever your heart desires to move. RN's are in high demand these days and the timing couldn't have worked out more perfectly. So, I'm off...wish me luck!

This post doesn’t really give my reader much insight into the meltdown that happened right after my 29th birthday. But trust me, a meltdown did in fact happen and it was spectacular. Unlike my other meltdowns, this particular one involved an important step – making a decision to do something about the situation instead of just complaining about it. So, after 3 months of a dead-end job search and 10 years of avoidance, I signed over my soul to a student loan and enrolled in college. I worked hard every day, picked up a 2nd job and basically gave up on my social life. The hardest of course being that last part. But all of it paid off, because last night I graduated summa cum laude. The reason this is such a big deal for me is that for the first time in my life, I set a goal for myself and accomplished everything that I set out to do.

Many of you have been asking me about the next step. Someone recently told me that they don’t see me being a nurse, they see me being the ‘sergeant nurse’…..so I’m looking into some programs where I can become just that. Let’s face it - I’d rather give the orders than take them anyways. The schooling will continue, but for now, I’m going to go ahead and check this one off and celebrate the moment.

My only regret was not investing money in coffee.

#99 Join an online dating service

A few months ago, my friend Michele helped me fill out an online dating profile. And when I say helped, I mean she did it for me....after a few glasses of wine. It retrospect, it was a fun night. We laughed hysterically when she posted some outrageous answers and I nearly cried from laughing so hard when she completely failed the motor skills test. Which is kind of a weird thing to have to complete as part of a dating profile, yes?

Since then, my inbox has been filled with potential 'matches' based on the results of this profile. I haven't read any of their profiles. I haven't looked at any of their pictures. I'm not even sure what my user name and password are because....yep, you guessed it....Michele did that too. Believe me, if I could delete this profile, I would.

The one positive thing that this profile has brought into my life is a realistic, genuine, even candid approach to figuring out what is important to me in a relationship. I've done a lot of soul searching this past year and throughout that process I've learned many things about myself. Like how I appreciate spontaneity and passion in a relationship mixed with a pinch of playfulness and a generous helping of chasing each other around the bedroom. I also value, more than anything else, honesty and integrity from my 'better half'....and from myself.

So, here's the truth....for the first time in my entire life, I am not defined by my relationship (or lack thereof). I have never felt better about myself and I believe that is because I have started taking better care of myself, listening to what my gut is telling me, and making more sound choices. I'm not a roller coaster of emotions anymore, my anxiety is nearly gone (down from epic levels just a year ago), and....well, I even look better (I've lost nearly 25 pounds since last year).

So, while I appreciate the concern from countless friends and family regarding my relationship-well-being; please don't mistake my confidence as a single woman for complacency or fear. I'm completely open to a relationship if one should appear. But I'm also blissfully happy being single. I am...in every sense of the word....happy.

So as for completing this one off my list....it's on hold. At least until I can figure out how to delete Michele's profile and replace (if need be) with my own. :)

XOXO

Mand'e

#49: Read the Top 100 Novels of All Time

This item, I think, is going to take me the longest to complete by far; however I am the most excited to get it crossed off. I’ve decided that I am going to select books from this list at random – again, I’ll be sure to highlight my favorites. Once the book has been read, I’ll cross it off the list and once I’m done reading them all I am positive that I will have a lot to say about completing this monumental task. Here we go…

Task started: August 2, 2010

Task completed:

The Book List

1. The Adventures of Augie March (1953), by Saul Bellow
2. All the King's Men (1946), by Robert Penn Warren
3. American Pastoral (1997), by Philip Roth
4. An American Tragedy (1925), by Theodore Dreiser
5. Animal Farm (1946), by George Orwell
6. Appointment in Samarra (1934), by John O'Hara
7. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret (1970), by Judy Blume
8. The Assistant (1957), by Bernard Malamud
9. At Swim-Two-Birds (1938), by Flann O'Brien
10. Atonement (2002), by Ian McEwan
11. Beloved (1987), by Toni Morrison
12. The Berlin Stories (1946), by Christopher Isherwood
13. The Big Sleep (1939), by Raymond Chandler
14. The Blind Assassin (2000), by Margaret Atwood
15. Blood Meridian (1986), by Cormac McCarthy
16. Brideshead Revisited (1946), by Evelyn Waugh
17. The Bridge of San Luis Rey (1927), by Thornton Wilder
18. Call It Sleep (1935), by Henry Roth
19. Catch-22 (1961), by Joseph Heller
20. The Catcher in the Rye (1951), by J.D. Salinger
21. A Clockwork Orange (1963), by Anthony Burgess
22. The Confessions of Nat Turner (1967), by William Styron
23. The Corrections (2001), by Jonathan Franzen
24. The Crying of Lot 49 (1966), by Thomas Pynchon
25. A Dance to the Music of Time (1951), by Anthony Powell
26. The Day of the Locust (1939), by Nathanael West
27. Death Comes for the Archbishop (1927), by Willa Cather
28. A Death in the Family (1958), by James Agee
29. The Death of the Heart (1958), by Elizabeth Bowen
30. Deliverance (1970), by James Dickey
31. Dog Soldiers (1974), by Robert Stone
32. Falconer (1977), by John Cheever
33. The French Lieutenant's Woman (1969), by John Fowles
34. The Golden Notebook (1962), by Doris Lessing
35. Go Tell it on the Mountain (1953), by James Baldwin
36. Gone With the Wind (1936), by Margaret Mitchell
37. The Grapes of Wrath (1939), by John Steinbeck
38. Gravity's Rainbow (1973), by Thomas Pynchon
39. The Great Gatsby (1925), by F. Scott Fitzgerald
40. A Handful of Dust (1934), by Evelyn Waugh
41. The Heart is A Lonely Hunter (1940), by Carson McCullers
42. The Heart of the Matter (1948), by Graham Greene
43. Herzog (1964), by Saul Bellow
44. Housekeeping (1981), by Marilynne Robinson
45. A House for Mr. Biswas (1962), by V.S. Naipaul
46. I, Claudius (1934), by Robert Graves
47. Infinite Jest (1996), by David Foster Wallace
48. Invisible Man (1952), by Ralph Ellison
49. Light in August (1932), by William Faulkner
50. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (1950), by C.S. Lewis
51. Lolita (1955), by Vladimir Nabokov
52. Lord of the Flies (1955), by William Golding
53. The Lord of the Rings (1954), by J.R.R. Tolkien
54. Loving (1945), by Henry Green
55. Lucky Jim (1954), by Kingsley Amis
56. The Man Who Loved Children (1940), by Christina Stead
57. Midnight's Children (1981), by Salman Rushdie
58. Money (1984), by Martin Amis
59. The Moviegoer (1961), by Walker Percy
60. Mrs. Dalloway (1925), by Virginia Woolf
61. Naked Lunch (1959), by William Burroughs
62. Native Son (1940), by Richard Wright
63. Neuromancer (1984), by William Gibson
64. Never Let Me Go (2005), by Kazuo Ishiguro
65. 1984 (1948), by George Orwell
66. On the Road (1957), by Jack Kerouac
67. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1962), by Ken Kesey
68. The Painted Bird (1965), by Jerzy Kosinski
69. Pale Fire (1962), by Vladimir Nabokov
70. A Passage to India (1924), by E.M. Forster
71. Play It As It Lays (1970), by Joan Didion
72. Portnoy's Complaint (1969), by Philip Roth
73. Possession (1990), by A.S. Byatt
74. The Power and the Glory (1939), by Graham Greene
75. The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (1961), by Muriel Spark
76. Rabbit, Run (1960), by John Updike
77. Ragtime (1975), by E.L. Doctorow
78. The Recognitions (1955), by William Gaddis
79. Red Harvest (1929), by Dashiell Hammett
80. Revolutionary Road (1961), by Richard Yates
81. The Sheltering Sky (1949), by Paul Bowles
82. Slaughterhouse Five (1969), by Kurt Vonnegut
83. Snow Crash (1992), by Neal Stephenson
84. The Sot-Weed Factor (1960), by John Barth
85. The Sound and the Fury (1929), by William Faulkner
86. The Sportswriter (1986), by Richard Ford
87. The Spy Who Came in From the Cold (1964), by John le Carre
88. The Sun Also Rises (1926), by Ernest Hemingway
89. Their Eyes Were Watching God (1937), by Zora Neale Hurston
90. Things Fall Apart (1959), by Chinua Achebe
91. To Kill a Mockingbird (1960), by Harper Lee **Top 5 Favorite Book!!**
92. To the Lighthouse (1927), by Virginia Woolf
93. Tropic of Cancer (1934), by Henry Miller
94. Ubik (1969), by Philip K. Dick
95. Under the Net (1954), by Iris Murdoch
96. Under the Volcano (1947), by Malcolm Lowry
97. Watchmen (1986), by Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons
98. White Noise (1985), by Don DeLillo
99. White Teeth (2000), by Zadie Smith
100. Wide Sargasso Sea (1966), by Jean Rhys

#50: Watch AFI's 100 Greatest Movies of All Time

Here’s the deal – I love movies. Looking over this list, I’ve watched probably forty percent of them at some point in my life. Most were over 10 years ago in a little bird course in high school called “Survey of Cinema”…which was basically an opportunity to sleep during school. So…I decided that anything that I haven’t seen within the last year simply doesn’t count for this project. Since this project may take me a while to complete, I’m posting the list now and as I go through and watch each movie I’ll cross it off the list. Once I’ve watched all 100 movies, I’ll be sure to post why this item was important to me and what completing this task means. Anything that I consider to be a “must see” I will be sure to highlight. Can someone make me some popcorn and get me a giant bucket of soda? And, please turn off your cell phones and quiet your unruly children. Mmmkay, thanks.

XXOO
Mand’e

The Movie List

1. Citizen Kane (1941)

2. Casablanca (1942)

3. The Godfather (1972)

4. Gone With The Wind (1939)

5. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

6. The Wizard of Oz (1939)

7. The Graduate (1967)

8. On The Waterfront (1954)

9. Schindler’s List (1993)

10. Singin’ in the Rain (1952)

11. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

12. Sunset Boulevard (1950)

13. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

14. Some Like It Hot (1959) **Top 5 Favorite Movie!**

15. Star Wars (1977)

16. All About Eve (1950)

17. The African Queen (1951)

18. Psycho (1960)

19. Chinatown (1974)

20. One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

21. The Grapes of Wrath (1940)

22. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

23. The Maltese Falcon (1941)

24. Raging Bull (1980)

25. E.T. The Extra Terrestrial (1982)

26. Dr. Strangelove (1964)

27. Bonnie & Clyde (1967)

28. Apocalypse Now (1979)

29. Mr. Smith Goes To Washington (1939)

30. Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)

31. Annie Hall (1977)

32. The Godfather, Part II (1974)

33. High Noon (1952)

34. To Kill A Mockingbird (1962)

35. It Happened One Night (1934)

36. Midnight Cowboy (1969)

37. The Best Years Of Our Life (1946)

38. Double Indemnity (1944)

39. Doctor Zhivago (1965)

40. North By Northwest (1959)

41. West Side Story (1961)

42. Rear Window (1954)

43. King Kong (1933)

44. The Birth Of a Nation (1915)

45. A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)

46. A Clockwork Orange (1971)

47. Taxi Driver (1976)

48. Jaws (1975)

49. Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs (1937)

50. Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid (1969)

51. The Philadelphia Story (1940)

52. From Here to Eternity (1953)

53. Amadeus (1984)

54. All Quiet On the Western Front (1930)

55. The Sound Of Music (1965)

56. M*A*S*H(1970)

57. The Third Man (1949)

58. Fantasia (1940)

59. Rebel Without a Cause (1955)

60. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

61. Vertigo (1958)

62. Tootsie (1982)

63. Stagecoach (1939)

64. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)

65. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

66. Network (1976)

67. The Manchurian Candidate (1962)

68. An American in Paris (1951)

69. Shane (1953)

70. The French Connection (1971)

71. Forrest Gump (1994)

72. Ben-Hur (1959)

73. Wuthering Heights (1939)

74. The Gold Rush (1925)

75. Dances With Wolves (1990)

76. City Lights (1931)

77. American Graffiti (1973)

78. Rocky (1976)

79. The Deer Hunter (1978)

80. The Wild Bunch (1969)

81. Modern Times (1936)

82. Giant (1956)

83. Platoon (1986)

84. Fargo (1996)

85. Duck Soup (1933)

86. Mutiny on the Bounty (1935)

87. Frankenstein (1931)

88. Easy Rider (1969)

89. Patton (1970)

90. The Jazz Singer (1927)

91. My Fair Lady (1964)

92. A Place in the Sun (1951)

93. The Apartment (1960)

94. Goodfellas (1990)

95. Pulp Fiction (1994)

96. The Searchers (1956)

97. Bringing up Baby (1938)

98. Unforgiven (1992)

99. Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner (1967)

100. Yankee Doodle Dandy (1942)