Namaste

My horoscopes for the past few days have warned me to "react with kindness", "don't make any accusations", and "immerse yourself in the moment of growth and progress". All of them have been spot on in preparation for this week.

In the past, I have pre-selected the way I would react to certain people or certain situations. My ex, for example. If she attempted to contact me, my mind went to the script labeled "go to hell" and began reciting the dialogue without much thought about if my feelings now corresponded to what I was saying. In general, what was coming out of my mouth never really matched how I felt inside at that moment. It reflected something that happened years ago that I internalized and couldn't communicate until now.

When I started using "namaste" (meaning the divine light in me honors the divine light in you) as my initial internal greeting for people or my reaction to someone's attempt to interact with me, including non-face-to-face communications, I noticed that my pre-selected reactions to people were immediately thrown out the window and I began an organic conversation with that person based on how I really felt in the moment. This is a huge development for me. And because what I'm feeling on the inside is being accurately reflected on the outside, there's no longer any internal confusion for me about where I really stand on certain issues or with certain people. My reaction is now the purest reflection of who I really am.

So I took the advice of a daily horoscope app on my phone, and reacted with kindness when I received another round of emails from my ex this weekend. I didn't fall into that routine of ignoring her completely or responding with "I hate your stinking guts" or "you're dead to me" or "remember that one time you did that one thing and it ruined my entire life and now I'm so bitter about it even after 10 years?" - all of which are versions of the "go to hell" scripts I mentioned earlier. None of which reflect how I feel about her today. The truth is that while I'm not really that fond of how she treated me while we were together, I don't really hate her either. If I had never met her, I would have also never met Michele, Jeannie, Joe or Danielle - 4 of my very best friends in the whole world. And I would have never had the need to come back home to Utah and repair my relationships with my family, namely my sister Amber, and I would have never become close friends with my new family members, Kim & Ryan. Did those relationships come at a very high price for me personally? Sure. It broke me to the core. But I think that even knowing how the relationship with my ex would have ended in advance, I still would have chose to endure it for the simple fact that I would also be blessed with those friendships/family in the end.

I'm not the same person I was then. And I've acknowledged those emotions associated with my relationship with her, and then subsequently let them go. Not bitterly, but gently - giving respect to a significant chunk of my life. So why set myself back all that hard work I have done all these years by choosing to react with pre-selected emotions towards someone that is not relevant to my life now? It is counter-productive to what I'm trying to accomplish. And it's not an accurate reflection of the person I have worked so hard to become.

So, namaste, Holly. I honor the light in you and thank you for what you brought into my life. I acknowledge what our relationship taught me and how it has helped me to become a better person today. And I thank you for what your presence has brought into my life in the form of my friends/family. Because without them, I wouldn't be where I am today. I also acknowledge the choices I have made to change my internal belief system and the decisions I have made to promote my own growth.

And, to all of you friends who have become family and family who have become friends, I thank you for standing by me on this incredible journey. You have been my rock when I needed to be grounded and at the same time my wings when I needed to fly. You reflect the best in me. And I love each of you dearly.

Namaste.

-Mande