Namaste

My horoscopes for the past few days have warned me to "react with kindness", "don't make any accusations", and "immerse yourself in the moment of growth and progress". All of them have been spot on in preparation for this week.

In the past, I have pre-selected the way I would react to certain people or certain situations. My ex, for example. If she attempted to contact me, my mind went to the script labeled "go to hell" and began reciting the dialogue without much thought about if my feelings now corresponded to what I was saying. In general, what was coming out of my mouth never really matched how I felt inside at that moment. It reflected something that happened years ago that I internalized and couldn't communicate until now.

When I started using "namaste" (meaning the divine light in me honors the divine light in you) as my initial internal greeting for people or my reaction to someone's attempt to interact with me, including non-face-to-face communications, I noticed that my pre-selected reactions to people were immediately thrown out the window and I began an organic conversation with that person based on how I really felt in the moment. This is a huge development for me. And because what I'm feeling on the inside is being accurately reflected on the outside, there's no longer any internal confusion for me about where I really stand on certain issues or with certain people. My reaction is now the purest reflection of who I really am.

So I took the advice of a daily horoscope app on my phone, and reacted with kindness when I received another round of emails from my ex this weekend. I didn't fall into that routine of ignoring her completely or responding with "I hate your stinking guts" or "you're dead to me" or "remember that one time you did that one thing and it ruined my entire life and now I'm so bitter about it even after 10 years?" - all of which are versions of the "go to hell" scripts I mentioned earlier. None of which reflect how I feel about her today. The truth is that while I'm not really that fond of how she treated me while we were together, I don't really hate her either. If I had never met her, I would have also never met Michele, Jeannie, Joe or Danielle - 4 of my very best friends in the whole world. And I would have never had the need to come back home to Utah and repair my relationships with my family, namely my sister Amber, and I would have never become close friends with my new family members, Kim & Ryan. Did those relationships come at a very high price for me personally? Sure. It broke me to the core. But I think that even knowing how the relationship with my ex would have ended in advance, I still would have chose to endure it for the simple fact that I would also be blessed with those friendships/family in the end.

I'm not the same person I was then. And I've acknowledged those emotions associated with my relationship with her, and then subsequently let them go. Not bitterly, but gently - giving respect to a significant chunk of my life. So why set myself back all that hard work I have done all these years by choosing to react with pre-selected emotions towards someone that is not relevant to my life now? It is counter-productive to what I'm trying to accomplish. And it's not an accurate reflection of the person I have worked so hard to become.

So, namaste, Holly. I honor the light in you and thank you for what you brought into my life. I acknowledge what our relationship taught me and how it has helped me to become a better person today. And I thank you for what your presence has brought into my life in the form of my friends/family. Because without them, I wouldn't be where I am today. I also acknowledge the choices I have made to change my internal belief system and the decisions I have made to promote my own growth.

And, to all of you friends who have become family and family who have become friends, I thank you for standing by me on this incredible journey. You have been my rock when I needed to be grounded and at the same time my wings when I needed to fly. You reflect the best in me. And I love each of you dearly.

Namaste.

-Mande

#94 - Revisit the places that made you who you are

When I added this to my bucket list, a lot of people read this as an attempt to hold on to my past.  To some extent I guess it is.  And only now, at age 33, am I able to admit that I want to hold on to all of my memories - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I like knowing that I'm developing peace with my past because that is the ultimate Do-Over Life Lesson for me - inner peace.  I was dealt a difficult hand early in my life and to this day it still affects me, so to be able to want to draw meaning from the earliest of memories is quite an accomplishment for me.  I believe by embracing my past, it will open up doors for me in the future.  So that's what this Do-Over Life Lesson is really about, not just holding on to the past, but preparing the way for my future.  

I recently had the opportunity to revisit Bainbridge Island, Washington - my absolute favorite place in the world.  For a point of reference, I lived on Bainbridge Island from 2006-2008 and I would have been 26 when I arrived and left just before my 28th birthday.  It was a blip in my adult life really, where I lived in 4 different states and too many different cities to count, but Bainbridge Island has by far been the most influential place I've live thus far in my life. 

View from Manitou Beach Drive (where I used to live)

I made the decision to move to Bainbridge Island after ending my marriage.  It was a difficult decision, one that I made hastily and based entirely on emotions, but it is a decision that I will never take back.  It was one of the few times in my life that I listened to what my gut was telling me to do.  I surrendered to the Universe and jumped from the ledge arms outstretched, trusting that I would be taken care of.  And man, did the Universe provide the perfect place for me to recover my broken self. 

I love everything about Bainbridge Island - the idyllic location in the Pacific Northwest, the rain, the fog, the rocky beaches full of sand dollars and purple starfish scrambling to beat the low tides, the isolation the island offers coupled with the close proximity to the hustle and bustle of Seattle.  What I love most about Bainbridge Island is that it is the only place that I have lived where I feel like myself.  I don't have to pretend to be anything that I am not and yet the sky is the limit on who I can become.  After ending such a restricting relationship in my life, it was nice to have so many possibilities. 

Riding the ferry into downtown Seattle was both romantic and cumbersome. 
Ferry schedules didn't always match up with my social engagements. 

Everything fell into place for me while living there.  I found a small room for rent on the Island, found a job on my 2nd day there (yes I moved 2 states away without first securing a job - it was part of that leap of faith thing) and I threw myself into recovery mode, not really knowing what that entailed. 





I wrote every single day.  Sometimes all day.  I painted on the weekends and curled up with a good book on the couch listening to the rain drizzling down overhead.  If there was something I wanted to explore, I did it without hesitation.  If I felt like staying in, I did so without guilt.  If I missed the last ferry to the island after a night out with friends, I wandered the pier and watched the sunrise from Pike's Place Market until the morning ferries started running again.  If I needed to sleep 18 hours I would, sometimes without taking off my coat or boots - falling face first into my bed. 



Mt. Rainier view from Bainbridge Island



For me, Bainbridge Island was about doing what I wanted and in doing so I found what I needed. 

Having the opportunity to revisit this Island, my Island, 6 years after leaving, I was quickly reminded of how important this place is to me.  And how important it is for me to go back.  It's time.  

-Mand'e