I Needed This Today

Brave - by Sara Bareilles

Enjoy!

xoxo

Mande

Do What You Love

.....Whatever satisfies the soul is truth.....

So what satisfies my soul? What do I need to re-examine? What is my truth? I've been struggling with these internal questions for months, evaluating each nuance of every possible answer. And I've been trying to do more listening than talking throughout the entire process. What I keep hearing is: eliminate the chaos & embrace the obvious. Random, right? But meditation after meditation has resulted in this message.

While my life, in comparison to previous years, is by no means chaotic, there are things (and people) that I have been holding on to for no particular reason other than sometimes it is harder to let them go than it is to keep them with you. This month has been an emotional cleanse of sorts for me, coinciding to a series of eclipses this spring. Normally I don’t pay much attention to astrological things like eclipses, but with the flood of emotion that I have been experiencing this month, reading things like “eclipses inspire looking at soul sickness, toxic people and atmospheres, and negative controls of all kinds” one is really forced to sit up and take notice.

Sadly, this process has included eliminating more people than things and it has weighed heavily on my heart. Realizing that you don't mean as much to someone as they do to you can really do that to a person. But by definition, doesn't that make the very relationship toxic? It feels toxic when you're in the trenches experiencing it. It even looks toxic now that I'm on the outside looking in. And because I feel attached to someone/something that doesn't reciprocate the same feelings, it acts as a negative control in my life, making me feel guilt where there is no need for guilt.

So right now, I am really putting faith in the idea that what appears to be lost or leaving your life is really just the Universe's way of creating a path for something new to emerge. Sometimes things have to fall apart so they can fall into place.

Since this process has forced me to look at the things in which I invest the most amounts of time and energy, I feel as though there will be some major changes that will be happening for me over the next few months. The answers that have been surfacing lately remind me of my 3 year-old nephew's response when I gave him chicken nuggets for dinner instead of his absolute favorite food - cheese sandwiches.

"This isn't my favorite thing."

Leave it to a 3 year old to school a 33 year old on how to live their life. The things that I invest the most amount of my time or energy in are simply not my favorite things to do. I think this is where the Embrace the Obvious part of my meditations comes into play. Do what you love. So what do I love to do?

Travel: This answer is easy. When I was little, my sister and I spent almost every day during the summer "exploring" - which really just meant packing a lunch and wandering around my Great-Grandfather's farm. We had our favorite spots that we always visited (like the railroad tracks and the well on Ruth Clarke's property - we were country kids in every sense of the word) but we were always looking for new destinations, which required a certain amount of bravery since there was always the risk of running into a badger. Our motto for that scenario was to 'run like hell.' Now that I am older, my approach to travel is the same. I have spots that I absolutely love travelling to whether it is because I love the area or people who live in the area. But I also enjoy traveling to places that I have never been and exploring things that I am not familiar with. The motto about the badger encounter also still applies.

Write: This is one of my greatest passions, despite the fact that it is something that I have only recently embraced. I have journal after journal from my younger years full of meandering thoughts and reckless rants. They have been hidden in boxes that I have dragged through every move of my adult life. A few months ago, while rearranging my living room, I opened the boxes and found the journals, like little treasures from my past. That's when it hit me that I have always been a writer. Not a novelist or anything official like that, but I have always turned to writing to help me through experiences in my life - good or bad. So, that day, I chose to embrace my passion for writing. I have displayed my journals on the bookshelves in my living room amongst the great authors that I enjoy so much. I have also recently purchased a typewriter and have been in absolute, utter bliss listening to the plunking of the keys as I type away all my random thoughts. There's a solitude that is required when I write that I enjoy very much. It's the part of writing that involves sharing your work where I struggle. Like the badgers in my explorations, I have run like hell from that important step. But it's becoming something that I continue to push. This blog is helping to do that.

The obvious answer is that I should write a travel blog which would combine my love of travel and writing into one amazing dream job. Yes, please. How does one get into that? Because I will promptly quit my job, reduce my belongings into what will fit into a suitcase and start living the dream. For real.

Namaste

My horoscopes for the past few days have warned me to "react with kindness", "don't make any accusations", and "immerse yourself in the moment of growth and progress". All of them have been spot on in preparation for this week.

In the past, I have pre-selected the way I would react to certain people or certain situations. My ex, for example. If she attempted to contact me, my mind went to the script labeled "go to hell" and began reciting the dialogue without much thought about if my feelings now corresponded to what I was saying. In general, what was coming out of my mouth never really matched how I felt inside at that moment. It reflected something that happened years ago that I internalized and couldn't communicate until now.

When I started using "namaste" (meaning the divine light in me honors the divine light in you) as my initial internal greeting for people or my reaction to someone's attempt to interact with me, including non-face-to-face communications, I noticed that my pre-selected reactions to people were immediately thrown out the window and I began an organic conversation with that person based on how I really felt in the moment. This is a huge development for me. And because what I'm feeling on the inside is being accurately reflected on the outside, there's no longer any internal confusion for me about where I really stand on certain issues or with certain people. My reaction is now the purest reflection of who I really am.

So I took the advice of a daily horoscope app on my phone, and reacted with kindness when I received another round of emails from my ex this weekend. I didn't fall into that routine of ignoring her completely or responding with "I hate your stinking guts" or "you're dead to me" or "remember that one time you did that one thing and it ruined my entire life and now I'm so bitter about it even after 10 years?" - all of which are versions of the "go to hell" scripts I mentioned earlier. None of which reflect how I feel about her today. The truth is that while I'm not really that fond of how she treated me while we were together, I don't really hate her either. If I had never met her, I would have also never met Michele, Jeannie, Joe or Danielle - 4 of my very best friends in the whole world. And I would have never had the need to come back home to Utah and repair my relationships with my family, namely my sister Amber, and I would have never become close friends with my new family members, Kim & Ryan. Did those relationships come at a very high price for me personally? Sure. It broke me to the core. But I think that even knowing how the relationship with my ex would have ended in advance, I still would have chose to endure it for the simple fact that I would also be blessed with those friendships/family in the end.

I'm not the same person I was then. And I've acknowledged those emotions associated with my relationship with her, and then subsequently let them go. Not bitterly, but gently - giving respect to a significant chunk of my life. So why set myself back all that hard work I have done all these years by choosing to react with pre-selected emotions towards someone that is not relevant to my life now? It is counter-productive to what I'm trying to accomplish. And it's not an accurate reflection of the person I have worked so hard to become.

So, namaste, Holly. I honor the light in you and thank you for what you brought into my life. I acknowledge what our relationship taught me and how it has helped me to become a better person today. And I thank you for what your presence has brought into my life in the form of my friends/family. Because without them, I wouldn't be where I am today. I also acknowledge the choices I have made to change my internal belief system and the decisions I have made to promote my own growth.

And, to all of you friends who have become family and family who have become friends, I thank you for standing by me on this incredible journey. You have been my rock when I needed to be grounded and at the same time my wings when I needed to fly. You reflect the best in me. And I love each of you dearly.

Namaste.

-Mande

#94 - Revisit the places that made you who you are

When I added this to my bucket list, a lot of people read this as an attempt to hold on to my past.  To some extent I guess it is.  And only now, at age 33, am I able to admit that I want to hold on to all of my memories - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I like knowing that I'm developing peace with my past because that is the ultimate Do-Over Life Lesson for me - inner peace.  I was dealt a difficult hand early in my life and to this day it still affects me, so to be able to want to draw meaning from the earliest of memories is quite an accomplishment for me.  I believe by embracing my past, it will open up doors for me in the future.  So that's what this Do-Over Life Lesson is really about, not just holding on to the past, but preparing the way for my future.  

I recently had the opportunity to revisit Bainbridge Island, Washington - my absolute favorite place in the world.  For a point of reference, I lived on Bainbridge Island from 2006-2008 and I would have been 26 when I arrived and left just before my 28th birthday.  It was a blip in my adult life really, where I lived in 4 different states and too many different cities to count, but Bainbridge Island has by far been the most influential place I've live thus far in my life. 

View from Manitou Beach Drive (where I used to live)

I made the decision to move to Bainbridge Island after ending my marriage.  It was a difficult decision, one that I made hastily and based entirely on emotions, but it is a decision that I will never take back.  It was one of the few times in my life that I listened to what my gut was telling me to do.  I surrendered to the Universe and jumped from the ledge arms outstretched, trusting that I would be taken care of.  And man, did the Universe provide the perfect place for me to recover my broken self. 

I love everything about Bainbridge Island - the idyllic location in the Pacific Northwest, the rain, the fog, the rocky beaches full of sand dollars and purple starfish scrambling to beat the low tides, the isolation the island offers coupled with the close proximity to the hustle and bustle of Seattle.  What I love most about Bainbridge Island is that it is the only place that I have lived where I feel like myself.  I don't have to pretend to be anything that I am not and yet the sky is the limit on who I can become.  After ending such a restricting relationship in my life, it was nice to have so many possibilities. 

Riding the ferry into downtown Seattle was both romantic and cumbersome. 
Ferry schedules didn't always match up with my social engagements. 

Everything fell into place for me while living there.  I found a small room for rent on the Island, found a job on my 2nd day there (yes I moved 2 states away without first securing a job - it was part of that leap of faith thing) and I threw myself into recovery mode, not really knowing what that entailed. 





I wrote every single day.  Sometimes all day.  I painted on the weekends and curled up with a good book on the couch listening to the rain drizzling down overhead.  If there was something I wanted to explore, I did it without hesitation.  If I felt like staying in, I did so without guilt.  If I missed the last ferry to the island after a night out with friends, I wandered the pier and watched the sunrise from Pike's Place Market until the morning ferries started running again.  If I needed to sleep 18 hours I would, sometimes without taking off my coat or boots - falling face first into my bed. 



Mt. Rainier view from Bainbridge Island



For me, Bainbridge Island was about doing what I wanted and in doing so I found what I needed. 

Having the opportunity to revisit this Island, my Island, 6 years after leaving, I was quickly reminded of how important this place is to me.  And how important it is for me to go back.  It's time.  

-Mand'e 

Updates to come...I haven't forgotten this!

#10 Graduate From College

Task Started: March 2009

Task Completed: May 2011

From Monday, February 23, 2009

Good News!! Guess who has two thumbs and is starting college on
Monday!? This girl!

After two weeks of scrambling the most random of documents together, it's official: I will be starting school on Monday! I'm so freakin' excited about this whole idea that I can barely even stand it.

I'll be starting at Steven's Henager to get an Associate Degree in Medical Specialties, which is a pre-requisite to become an RN. I've looked into this particular field and have decided that you get the most bang for your buck not to mention the fact that you not only have good pay but you're guaranteed a position wherever your heart desires to move. RN's are in high demand these days and the timing couldn't have worked out more perfectly. So, I'm off...wish me luck!

This post doesn’t really give my reader much insight into the meltdown that happened right after my 29th birthday. But trust me, a meltdown did in fact happen and it was spectacular. Unlike my other meltdowns, this particular one involved an important step – making a decision to do something about the situation instead of just complaining about it. So, after 3 months of a dead-end job search and 10 years of avoidance, I signed over my soul to a student loan and enrolled in college. I worked hard every day, picked up a 2nd job and basically gave up on my social life. The hardest of course being that last part. But all of it paid off, because last night I graduated summa cum laude. The reason this is such a big deal for me is that for the first time in my life, I set a goal for myself and accomplished everything that I set out to do.

Many of you have been asking me about the next step. Someone recently told me that they don’t see me being a nurse, they see me being the ‘sergeant nurse’…..so I’m looking into some programs where I can become just that. Let’s face it - I’d rather give the orders than take them anyways. The schooling will continue, but for now, I’m going to go ahead and check this one off and celebrate the moment.

My only regret was not investing money in coffee.

#99 Join an online dating service

A few months ago, my friend Michele helped me fill out an online dating profile. And when I say helped, I mean she did it for me....after a few glasses of wine. It retrospect, it was a fun night. We laughed hysterically when she posted some outrageous answers and I nearly cried from laughing so hard when she completely failed the motor skills test. Which is kind of a weird thing to have to complete as part of a dating profile, yes?

Since then, my inbox has been filled with potential 'matches' based on the results of this profile. I haven't read any of their profiles. I haven't looked at any of their pictures. I'm not even sure what my user name and password are because....yep, you guessed it....Michele did that too. Believe me, if I could delete this profile, I would.

The one positive thing that this profile has brought into my life is a realistic, genuine, even candid approach to figuring out what is important to me in a relationship. I've done a lot of soul searching this past year and throughout that process I've learned many things about myself. Like how I appreciate spontaneity and passion in a relationship mixed with a pinch of playfulness and a generous helping of chasing each other around the bedroom. I also value, more than anything else, honesty and integrity from my 'better half'....and from myself.

So, here's the truth....for the first time in my entire life, I am not defined by my relationship (or lack thereof). I have never felt better about myself and I believe that is because I have started taking better care of myself, listening to what my gut is telling me, and making more sound choices. I'm not a roller coaster of emotions anymore, my anxiety is nearly gone (down from epic levels just a year ago), and....well, I even look better (I've lost nearly 25 pounds since last year).

So, while I appreciate the concern from countless friends and family regarding my relationship-well-being; please don't mistake my confidence as a single woman for complacency or fear. I'm completely open to a relationship if one should appear. But I'm also blissfully happy being single. I am...in every sense of the word....happy.

So as for completing this one off my list....it's on hold. At least until I can figure out how to delete Michele's profile and replace (if need be) with my own. :)

XOXO

Mand'e